Heidi condemns Fritzl—possible adoption???

The latest dispatch from Heidi’s handlers is that she is so upset about this monster Josef Fritzl who kept his own family hostage in an underground tunnel system that she is weighing the legal ramifications of offering to adopt ALL the Fritzl family children. Heidi will welcome each child into her home personally, even the one who hops about like a monkey and can’t speak English. This is called UNCONDITIONAL love and Heidi has already picked out several outfits from her Heidiwood line of clothing for the kids to wear. They are going to love the Hollywood lifestyle and Heidi is doing this for THEM and not her own personal gain. Raising children costs money and Heidi is not afraid to spend it!! It will be a long road, but of course Heidi is going to have access to the best teachers and nannies that America can produce. And of course the best in America is the best in the world!!! What kind of IDIOT would think otherwise???? Even if these children had been raised in a NORMAL home by NORMAL people they still wouldn’t have had a chance to be a success or be famous because of the country the lived in. Austria is just not good enough when you compare it to the best in the business! Remember, it’s not bragging if you can back it up!!!!!

Heidi to be new voice of Commerce Bank’s Penny Arcade!!

Most banks are going out of business faster than the crow flies because of this mortgage loan crisis, but Commerce Bank is the world’s fastest growing bank. Most of the major movie stars have accounts at Commerce and Heidi is no exception. Recently she had a discussion with the President and CEO of the bank and now it is official!! Heidi is going to lend her voice to Penny Arcade, the automated change-counting machines located at every branch of Commerce Bank, USA. You do NOT have to be a Commerce Bank customer to use Penny Arcade!!! It is a great and invaluable service but some concerned folks have made some very germane and negative comments about the voice that is used to guide customers through the time-consuming process counting their submitted change. The majority of people have described it as “childish” and “creepy” so, once again, Heidi to the rescue!! She has booked studio time and she is going to re-record EVERY SINGLE phrase that Penny/Heidi says in a professional setting with professional sound engineers and staff. People are going to love this “new look and sound” Penny Arcade! Bear in mind that Commerce does not charge for this service!!!

Heidi Gives Stimulus Check to the Poor!

By now everyone knows about President Bush’s historic decision to personally mail out the 2008 U.S. Government Stimulus Checks to help kick the economy of our home country in gear. But did you know that Heidi has decided to give 100% of the proceeds of her check to a charity in her home state of Colorado???? It’s true!! Heidi is not naming the charity because she believes the recipients have every right to keep their privacy and dignity and Heidi knows that even if she isn’t physically there, the photogs will descend like locusts upon anything she is associated with. We CAN say that it is a long-standing charity established in the 19th century whose purpose and aim is to provide succor to those afflicted with deformities and help them to manufacture a new “lease on life.” Heidi’s donation is going to literally save lives!!!

Heidi’s act of kindness and “thousandth point of light” should make us ALL look inside ourselves and take stock of the last time we tried to help someone. Do something today--it doesn’t have to mean giving away most of the money you make like Heidi or even giving some pocket change to a scary, crazy bum, but it can just be the attitude you carry as you walk around the world. Heidi is always smiling, even when she is devastated from people saying and writing pernicious lies about her. I would SUGGEST you follow her example!!!!

Heidi is extremely saddened to learn about the death of Ling Ling!!

By now we have all heard the shocking news that Ling Ling, the world’s most famous panda, has passed away in its cage at the Tokyo Zoo. Heidi was told the news by her private handlers early this morning and word getting back to the press is that Heidi was very sad to hear about this. Pandas have long been Heidi’s favorite animal!!! Heidi had not had a chance to visit Ling Ling in Tokyo but Heidi has had a picture of Ling Ling as the wallpaper on her top-of-the-line Toshiba laptop for some time now. So of course she is sad!!! We ALL should be. Doctors and lawyers at the zoo are saying that Ling Ling was 70 years old in human years. That is incredible!!! Ling Ling was also very smart--it had learned sign language and was also able to pull around a small wooden cart. Heidi will most likely be issuing an “official” statement on this tragedy soon. Just give her some time to heal, she only heard the news this morning!!!

‘Bolt-Ons’---Unacceptable Term!!!!

Earlier this afternoon there was an article that made graphic reference to Heidi’s chest area—calling it “Bolt-Ons.” This is filth and probably libel, too. I mean I realize the internet is a free of censorship zone and I agree in principle, but can’t we just for once operate on a little bit of a higher plane? Where dignity and restraint can reign instead of junior high school level “slang terms?” Heidi made a choice and she is happy with it. But no, OTHER people can’t be happy—they can never be happy unless they are slandering something—if someone looks good they’ve got to say “you don’t look good.” Anything for controversy. These are the same sort of people who call Heather Mills “Hopalong.” It is disgusting and once again, actionable behavior if we take the time to analyze it on a word by word basis. Would you call Sammy Davis Jr. “Glass Head” or “Cyclops?”