The Devil Wears Prada to be remade with Heidi!!!

The Devil Wears Prada was a pretty good movie but did anyone notice how unglamorous and mousy the lead actress Jane Hathaway was?? Well, the “big guns” in Hollywood did and they are putting plans in motion to remake the movie with Heidi in the starring role as the “It” girl assistant to famous editor Miranda Priestly of Runway magazine. The casting of this inspired remake is a who’s who of current Hollywood Royalty. Take a look:

Heidi Montag as Andy Sachs (the Midwest “Glamour Girl” who comes to be famous in NY)
Nicole Richie as Miranda Priestly (the evil fashion magazine editor and Heidi’s boss)
RuPaul as Nigel (the gay employee who befriends Andy and gives her free clothes)
Grand Dame Judy Dench as Emily (the snobby British fashion-nut who is assistant to Miranda and who is jealous of Heidi)
Jackie Earle Haley as Christian Thompson (the famous writer who seduces Heidi)
Kevin Dillon as Nate (Heidi’s boyfriend who wants to be a chef)
Jada Pinkett-Smith as Lily (Heidi’s black lesbian friend)
Guest stars Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen as the Priestly Twins (the little girls who read the Harry Potter book Heidi steals for them)

With a cast like that the batting average on this movie is bound to be 1,000%. Preorders for DVDs are through the roof and it hasn’t even been shot yet! Release will be late 2009 so we have to wait awhile. But you know it will be worth it!!! Heidi DESIGNS clothes so of course she is a natural for this role. Expect popcorn and candy sales to be up during screenings of this film, also, as Heidi’s fans are definitely from an upscale demographic!!!!

Heidi to babysit The Baby Suri!!!!!

People who follow the glossies know that only six human beings on Earth have been allowed to physically touch The Baby Suri, the first-born daughter of “power couple” Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio. Well, news coming in early today is that Heidi may indeed be the seventh. She has been personally recruited by Tom Cruise via mobile cellular device to be the next babysitter for The Baby Suri!!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio can’t stay cooped up in their home every night of the week. It’s unfair to them!!! So Heidi to the rescue YET AGAIN!! She loves children and apparently The Baby Suri has been pointing at Heidi’s picture in different magazines and saying “Na--neee” in a VERY loud, longing voice. The Baby Suri is ALWAYS turning to the pages with Heidi on them!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio love it!!! They know The Baby Suri has a mind of her own. They have always stressed that their daughter is going to be HER OWN GIRL and not some Hollywood robot. So go out and have a great time, you two. Heidi has everything under control. She and The Baby Suri are best friends!!!!

Heidi to Clooney: “Leatherheads” No Good!!!

Reports are surfacing of a brief tete-a-tete that took place over the weekend at one of the world’s most popular bars in LA—which shall remain unnamed here. (HMIB is NOT a free advertising service!) Heidi and Hollywood tastemaker George Clooney happened to be in the VIP room at the same time, so of course they engaged in some light conversation. Apparently Heidi spoke her mind to George about his latest (flop) movie and she gave him her honest, unvarnished opinion. And George loved it!!! He has always been one of Tinseltown’s “coolest customers” and he has done so much for the poor people of Africa that we can all learn a lesson from his actions. He can see that the movie is not doing well—the American people have rejected it!!! But the “hows and whys” of its failure are something it takes another big star to spell out. And Heidi did just that!!!! She has had a great run with her TV show, song, and clothing line, so she knows of what she speaks!! And she is a rabid football fan as well (In fact she is very close friends with the Bowlen family who own the Denver Broncos) and George’s movie just did not deliver the goods when it comes to an accurate portrayal of America’s Pastime. It’s not a crime--he’s had so many great movies that people are still going to love him and watch his every move. All in all, though, Heidi was very diplomatic, but the truth had to be told. You can bet his next movie’s going to be better!!!

Heidi is extremely saddened to learn about the death of Ling Ling!!

By now we have all heard the shocking news that Ling Ling, the world’s most famous panda, has passed away in its cage at the Tokyo Zoo. Heidi was told the news by her private handlers early this morning and word getting back to the press is that Heidi was very sad to hear about this. Pandas have long been Heidi’s favorite animal!!! Heidi had not had a chance to visit Ling Ling in Tokyo but Heidi has had a picture of Ling Ling as the wallpaper on her top-of-the-line Toshiba laptop for some time now. So of course she is sad!!! We ALL should be. Doctors and lawyers at the zoo are saying that Ling Ling was 70 years old in human years. That is incredible!!! Ling Ling was also very smart--it had learned sign language and was also able to pull around a small wooden cart. Heidi will most likely be issuing an “official” statement on this tragedy soon. Just give her some time to heal, she only heard the news this morning!!!

Q Ratings: Latest numbers show Heidi still miles above Miley!!

It’s 15 months running now that Heidi has scored higher than Miley Cyrus on the all-important Q-score celebrity rating scale. Even with this so-called “teen sensation’s” latest preposterous publicity stunt of shameful nude photos in a national magazine, she still doesn’t come close to Heidi’s numbers!!! I shudder to think what “Hannah Montana” will try next. It’s not going to work!! What’s even better is that Heidi’s fans are more mature, wealthier and definitely more fashion forward in today’s day and age. This is what marketers want and what they are looking for.

Could this be why Heidi was recently invited to Washington to privately dine with President George Bush and his First Wife Laura while Miley was nowhere to be seen? Let’s see, what sounds more appealing, spending Saturday night at the White House with the President of a country and a whole slew of A-list celebrities or spending it sitting in some warehouse taking off your clothes for a TOTAL STRANGER with a camera??? We are SORRY, Disney girl, but you are simply not ready to play with the grown-ups yet…

Heidi M. and Ashley Dupre—Absolutely no connection!!!!

This office has been inundated with calls and questions this morning regarding fresh rumors about a possible “link” between Heidi and shamed New York state call girl Ashley Dupre. No one, and I repeat absolutely no one, not even the most poisonous reptiles in the Heidi hater crowd, are saying Heidi was involved or worked for the Emperor’s Club prostitution ring of harlots and low-born women. BUT, and this is an important distinction, certain unnamed “spies” are claiming Heidi and this Dupre may have “exchanged words” in the VIP room of the famous Chelsea nightclub Stereo in the autumn of 2007. Unlikely, yes, but not impossible!!!

Let’s examine: Dupre is certainly capable of using various carnal means of getting into a VIP section she has no earthly justification being in, so she may have, physically, been inside the velvet ropes the fateful night in question. But Heidi talk to such a tramp? If ANY words were exchanged, Heidi probably thought Dupre was a waitress or washroom attendant wandering by and maybe, just maybe, placed an order for a bottle of super-premium vodka with her. She would have absolutely nothing to say to this woman beyond that. Do you honestly think they have anything in common? Does Heidi Fleiss have anything in common with Katie Holmes-Cruise? Does Jenna Jameson have anything in common with Jennifer Garner-Affleck? Of course not!! A whore is a whore is a whore. There are no “whore” celebrities. Heidi Montag is an A-list celebrity and is treated as such, deservedly so. These stories and rumors will quickly go the way of the Dodo—crushed by the wheels of time.