Heidi to host Five Day “SAVE HD-DVD” telethon!!!

This incredible news will soon be a reality August 5-10, 2008 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway as Heidi Montag has been contracted to be the host for a five day music and entertainment spectacular to raise money from the good people of America to help save the HD-DVD format of DVD consumer movie disc-playing electronic devices. Millions of people, including Heidi, have purchased these machines in GOOD FAITH and now the shady “powers that be” have deemed these machines “worthless” even though they are in perfect working order. It’s like state-sanctioned murder!!!! Some of the acts that have agreed to help by performing at this extravaganza are Jason Schwartzman’s rock ‘n’ roll music band Phantom Planet, comedian Don Rickles, popular magician act CRiSS ANgel MINDFREAK, cherished wild animal trainers Siegfried and Roy, noted boxing legend Gerry Cooney, Personal “Chef to the Stars” Bobby Flay, the architect Donald Trump, “Lost” screenwriter Damon Lindelhof and European thrush Grande Dauphine Lady Celine Dion. This program will run for five days straight on the Univision television network and will indeed be the first program in that station’s history to be broadcast entirely in English. Heidi is giving nearly a week of her life for this historic event and we should all help her out BY TRASHING any Blu-Ray machines our family or friends may own. It’s only right!!!!!

Heidi condemns Fritzl—possible adoption???

The latest dispatch from Heidi’s handlers is that she is so upset about this monster Josef Fritzl who kept his own family hostage in an underground tunnel system that she is weighing the legal ramifications of offering to adopt ALL the Fritzl family children. Heidi will welcome each child into her home personally, even the one who hops about like a monkey and can’t speak English. This is called UNCONDITIONAL love and Heidi has already picked out several outfits from her Heidiwood line of clothing for the kids to wear. They are going to love the Hollywood lifestyle and Heidi is doing this for THEM and not her own personal gain. Raising children costs money and Heidi is not afraid to spend it!! It will be a long road, but of course Heidi is going to have access to the best teachers and nannies that America can produce. And of course the best in America is the best in the world!!! What kind of IDIOT would think otherwise???? Even if these children had been raised in a NORMAL home by NORMAL people they still wouldn’t have had a chance to be a success or be famous because of the country the lived in. Austria is just not good enough when you compare it to the best in the business! Remember, it’s not bragging if you can back it up!!!!!

Heidi to be new voice of Commerce Bank’s Penny Arcade!!

Most banks are going out of business faster than the crow flies because of this mortgage loan crisis, but Commerce Bank is the world’s fastest growing bank. Most of the major movie stars have accounts at Commerce and Heidi is no exception. Recently she had a discussion with the President and CEO of the bank and now it is official!! Heidi is going to lend her voice to Penny Arcade, the automated change-counting machines located at every branch of Commerce Bank, USA. You do NOT have to be a Commerce Bank customer to use Penny Arcade!!! It is a great and invaluable service but some concerned folks have made some very germane and negative comments about the voice that is used to guide customers through the time-consuming process counting their submitted change. The majority of people have described it as “childish” and “creepy” so, once again, Heidi to the rescue!! She has booked studio time and she is going to re-record EVERY SINGLE phrase that Penny/Heidi says in a professional setting with professional sound engineers and staff. People are going to love this “new look and sound” Penny Arcade! Bear in mind that Commerce does not charge for this service!!!

Heidi Gives Stimulus Check to the Poor!

By now everyone knows about President Bush’s historic decision to personally mail out the 2008 U.S. Government Stimulus Checks to help kick the economy of our home country in gear. But did you know that Heidi has decided to give 100% of the proceeds of her check to a charity in her home state of Colorado???? It’s true!! Heidi is not naming the charity because she believes the recipients have every right to keep their privacy and dignity and Heidi knows that even if she isn’t physically there, the photogs will descend like locusts upon anything she is associated with. We CAN say that it is a long-standing charity established in the 19th century whose purpose and aim is to provide succor to those afflicted with deformities and help them to manufacture a new “lease on life.” Heidi’s donation is going to literally save lives!!!

Heidi’s act of kindness and “thousandth point of light” should make us ALL look inside ourselves and take stock of the last time we tried to help someone. Do something today--it doesn’t have to mean giving away most of the money you make like Heidi or even giving some pocket change to a scary, crazy bum, but it can just be the attitude you carry as you walk around the world. Heidi is always smiling, even when she is devastated from people saying and writing pernicious lies about her. I would SUGGEST you follow her example!!!!