Heidi texts note of encouragement to William Hung!!!

Singer/Dancer William Hung is one of the most recognized entertainers in show business today. His sunny disposition and “never-say-quit” demeanor in the face of unspeakable tragedy on American Idol was something people from all walks of life drew strength from. His popularity is so pervasive, he is sometimes referred to as the “World’s Mascot.” What most people don’t know is that William has struggled his whole life-- fighting and WINNING battles against epilepsy, weight control, corns, hammertoes, and acute dipsomania to emerge a better person who is beloved by all. Heidi is also beloved by all, so she knows how demanding the life of a celebrity can be. Therefore she has taken time out of her busy schedule to PERSONALLY text a note of encouragement and solace to William. It’s nobody’s business what actual words were used, but we can all rest assured Heidi’s missive was heartfelt, sincere and flowing with prose every bit as beautiful and brilliant as her golden locks. William Hung, you have been touched by an angel!!!

Heidi Chosen for Internet Banner Ad Marketing Campaign!!!!

We’ve all seen them and we all love them. You can’t visit AOL, Hotmail or even NFL.com without spying one. They are those adorable banner ads featuring various glamorous people bustin’ out their best dance moves. These ads are indisputably the most popular internet sensation of 2008 and Heidi is the latest celebrity to be asked to contribute to this viral phenomenon. She is going to be using the signature dance routine she immortalized in her seaside music video “Higher.” Yes, a miniaturized and digitized “virtual Heidi” will be “shakin’ her thang” on banners for the LowerMyBills.com website. It’s no surprise Heidi has been asked to contribute--she has already been rated the #1 Most Searched Keyword on the entire World Wide Web for four months running. In fact, her name in combination with other words, most notably “best singer” “biggest reality TV star” “shag-o-licious” and “America’s most beautiful woman” take up five of the top ten spots on Web Search engines the world over. Previous “Queens of the Internet” like Chinese gymnast He Kexin and television coquette Tila Tequila have been pushed aside by the enormity of Heidi’s popularity, but it’s not her fault if people love her!!!! God, stop your whining, bitches!!!!

Heidi “disgusted” by Oompa-Loompas!!!!

Heidi was recently among the A-List crowd at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion for a special 35th Anniversary screening of the cult movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Heidi had heard of this movie, but never seen it before and it turned out to be quite an event for her. Witnesses at the party all agree that at the first sight of the diminutive orange-hued factory slaves colloquially known as “Oompa-Loompas,” Heidi passed out cold and had to be carried from the screening room. Some of the big names in attendance were Benihana heiress Devon Aoki, comedian Louie Anderson, video actor Dick Rambone, Bangles lead singer Susanna Hoffs and FDNY Fire Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta. Every guest in attendance was shocked and disappointed that the host of this party, the rumored-to-be-senile Hugh Hefner, would wantonly expose Heidi to images of these vile half-men. Heidi was too gracious a guest to speak out loud about this violation of her sensibilities, but her attorneys may not be so reticent!!!!

John Mark Karr begs Heidi to star in his movie!!!!

It has now been confirmed by Heidi’s handler’s that her film industry agents have been contacted by the agents of John Mark Karr, the former schoolteacher who rose to dizzying heights of notoriety in the JonBenet Ramsey missing persons case some years back. Mr. Karr has been quietly living in Fulton County, Georgia as of late and he has been using his time wisely. He has recently completed a screenplay entitled Sorority Row Angel that tells the story of a beautiful and innocent blonde girl’s freshman year of college. And John Mark Karr himself has hand-picked Heidi to play the lead role!!! This project is being pitched as an 80’s style “hi-jinks” type movie complete with panty raids, hidden cameras in the sorority house showers, lesbian initiation rites and a HUGE food fight that takes place at a co-ed beach volleyball tournament. It is going to be filmed on location at a real college--the University of Colorado in Boulder. What is great about this is that Heidi grew up in Colorado so she will have no trouble playing this part. She is an A-list star and this movie will make millions!!! So Heidi of course should be paid MILLIONS to act in it. What part of that don’t you understand?????

Heidi to finally receive prize from William F. Buckley’s will!!!!

Conservatives and Liberals alike were saddened to hear about the final passing of National Review founder William F. Buckley earlier this calendar year. What most people don’t realize is that WFB, as he was affectionately known, and Heidi Montag shared a “pen pal” relationship for over a decade, starting when Heidi was a little girl growing up in Colorado. They were both staunch traditionalists in so many things-- eschewing emails and even text messaging to instead correspond via letter, utilizing old-fashioned paper and pen. They always used stationery from Smythson of Bond Street and ink pens from Mont Blanc. They had so much to talk about that at some points they were trading four and five letters a week!!!! And all through the U.S. Mail, which is STILL the best bargain available if one needs to ship small items like letters or compact disc recordings that have been sold on Ebay or Half.com. Mr. Buckley’s will was recently executed and it turns out he left Heidi a prize—to be hers for the remainder of her natural life. It is none of our business exactly what this item was, but it is great to know that Heidi was remembered in WFB’s last will and testament. Heidi still thinks of him every day!!!!

Heidi finalizing plans to adopt the “Montauk Monster!!”

This is an animal shunned by all, but Heidi’s heart is so enormous she has bid her handlers to make arrangements with the Long Island Animal Welfare Board granting Heidi and her estate sole legal custody of it. Yes, even though it is ugly and even though it is dead, Heidi’s love of animals is so all-encompassing that she is willing to open her HOME to this monstrous beast. Never before has nature spewed forth from its unwiped bowels a creature so sickening, so nauseating, so hideous to the eye and STILL Heidi’s heart and motives are so pure that the world-famous Montauk Monster will no longer be forced to forlornly lie on the beach, rotting in the sun. Heidi’s home is filled with the finest hand-made Amish furniture. A personalized Bugatti Veyron sits gleaming in her garage, which is so big it is not even connected to her house!!! Her draperies are fashioned from the finest gossamer and her wall-to-wall carpeting is as thick as the grass on a country club fairway. She has art on the walls from all the great artists of Europe and even Canada. Not exactly a pigpen, and yet she has unselfishly agreed to welcome this bloated, putrescent THING into her place of residence. Most of the locals have been demanding that the Montauk Monster be weighed down with old truck transmissions and sunk to the deepest part of the ocean with the whale droppings and muck. Heidi says no. Her unselfishness and kindness to pets sets an example for one and all. Are you paying attention, Michael Vick!!!

Heidi volunteers to be decoy for Hope Solo in Beijing!!!!

The Summer Olympics are barreling towards all of us like an out of control 18 wheeler and you know for sure the USA is gonna win!!! We won’t take all the medals, but most of them will be ours. One of our best teams is the US Women’s Soccer Football team. They have been world champions many times over. This is going to be a great Olympics for them, but one of the most unfortunate things about having to travel abroad to compete is the ever-present specter of death threats from disgruntled, and to put it quite bluntly, insane fans. It seems some of the comments #1 U.S. goalkeeper Hope Solo recently made about the Chinese people and their outmoded form of government have raised the ire of a certain number of residents of this COMMUNIST country. As a US citizen, she has the God-Given RIGHT to say whatever she wants. Unfortunately, some foreigners disagree, and even if you manage to inflame the passions of just 1/10 of 1% of a population of a sprawling country whose citizens number well over a billion—well, the figures are astronomical. Beautiful, blonde athlete Hope Solo is in serious trouble over this and the U.S. Olympic committee has entered in agreements with Heidi for Heidi to act as a decoy or “Fake Hope Solo” for the fortnight the games will be held. She will travel with the team, be seen at ceremonial functions with the team and may even spend some time in goal during early round matches to ensure that the real Hope Solo remains under the cover of security and in perfect condition to lead our Stars and Stripes girls to Victory. It is a dangerous undertaking but Heidi is not afraid. She believes in the USA. And so should all of us!!!

Travolta: L. Ron Hubbard would have married Heidi!!!

John Travolta is an actor, father of several children and staunch advocate of preserving our nation’s covered bridges. L. Ron Hubbard was one of the “leading lights” of the ancient Scientological Church and also a noted seer, coxswain and man of letters. He is dead now, but to marry such a man would literally transfer unto this lucky female the coveted mantle of Queen. And guess what? Heidi is the Chosen One!!! John Travolta unhesitatingly cited Heidi’s good humor, kindness to animals, singing voice, kitchen skills and All-American good looks before bestowing upon her this highest of honors. And that’s not all--he continued by saying that the way Heidi has handled her incredible fame over the years is “unprecedented in recorded history.” Geez, do you think he likes Heidi??? Well, he is not a dumb man, that’s for sure. He danced with Princess Diana!!! Do you remember that magical night? What is fantastic is that this is not mere speculation. As a ranking Thetan of the 41st Imperial Operating Level, John Joseph Travolta is actually in daily contact with the “Barn Boss” of the ancient Scientological Church. His name? L. Ron Hubbard!!!! And yes, he is in LOVE with Heidi!!!!

Heidi to host Five Day “SAVE HD-DVD” telethon!!!

This incredible news will soon be a reality August 5-10, 2008 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway as Heidi Montag has been contracted to be the host for a five day music and entertainment spectacular to raise money from the good people of America to help save the HD-DVD format of DVD consumer movie disc-playing electronic devices. Millions of people, including Heidi, have purchased these machines in GOOD FAITH and now the shady “powers that be” have deemed these machines “worthless” even though they are in perfect working order. It’s like state-sanctioned murder!!!! Some of the acts that have agreed to help by performing at this extravaganza are Jason Schwartzman’s rock ‘n’ roll music band Phantom Planet, comedian Don Rickles, popular magician act CRiSS ANgel MINDFREAK, cherished wild animal trainers Siegfried and Roy, noted boxing legend Gerry Cooney, Personal “Chef to the Stars” Bobby Flay, the architect Donald Trump, “Lost” screenwriter Damon Lindelhof and European thrush Grande Dauphine Lady Celine Dion. This program will run for five days straight on the Univision television network and will indeed be the first program in that station’s history to be broadcast entirely in English. Heidi is giving nearly a week of her life for this historic event and we should all help her out BY TRASHING any Blu-Ray machines our family or friends may own. It’s only right!!!!!

Heidi Hand-Chosen to be OFFICIAL Pallbearer at Funeral of Yves Saint Laurent

The world lost a fashion giant a few days ago, but of course there are always new and up and coming designers who are going to make fashion history no matter who came before. The people closest to Yves Saint Laurent as his long illness worked its way to the end are unanimous about one thing and that is that he regarded Heidi and her Heidiwood clothing line as the hands-down best of the “new breed” of California-based fashion pioneers. So it’s coming as no surprise to anyone in the industry that the last will and testament of Yves Saint Laurent specified specifically that Heidi be one of the pallbearers at Yves Saint Laurent’s funeral in the fashion capital of Paris. There were even rumors flying around over the weekend that the funeral was being moved to southern California in tribute to Heidi, but of course that is ridiculous. Yves Saint Laurent was many things but he was not an American, so how could he expect to be buried on American soil? Like I already said once—ridiculous!!! Heidi has had to cancel and rearrange more than half a dozen business appointments in order to attend this funeral but as usual she is handling these setbacks with her GOD-GIVEN aplomb. Yves Saint Laurent’s “grandma-type” clothes are just a bit too old-fashioned for a girl like Heidi, but she knows her fashion history. Of course, Heidi is in great shape physically, but she is female so even though she is an OFFICIAL pallbearer at this funeral, she will not be forced to carry the actual coffin. Arrangements have been made to have a cashmere blanket spread over the front half of the casket and Heidi will be asked to sit up there as the procession moves through the street of Paris and local church bells toll out the news that another life has been lost. People, it is quite obvious this is going to be the fashion event of the year, so Heidi has respectfully asked that she be permitted to wear her own clothing line and this request has been granted without hesitation.

Heidi to launch Anti-Rabies Campaign for Kids and Seniors!!!!

Heidi loves animals and the most painful thing for her is to see a rabid animal running riot and threatening innocent people. It is a tragedy for all concerned and Heidi has long been agonizing over these cases. Again, she LOVES animals! Although she personally does not have the time to own or care for an animal, it is pure torture for her to read articles and see clips of animals infected with rabies thrashing around and being poked with sticks. The problem is that these animals WILL NOT go off on their own and die. A rabid raccoon or squirrel driven mad by this disease can easily chew through a screen door and invade an otherwise peaceful home!!! Or hide in the backseat of a car waiting to attack the unsuspecting driver. This shouldn’t be happening and Heidi knows this. She is going to be writing and illustrating a COMIC BOOK to help make young kids and senior citizens more aware of the dangers they face when confronted with rabid animals. By nature, most children and geriatrics trust cute animals IMPLICITLY. By creating the beloved character Foamy the Rabid Raccoon, and employing him in her comic book, Heidi is doing a great service to the people of rural areas and even suburban areas that have encroached on wildlife habitats. Foamy will teach, through words and song, that it is DANGEROUS to touch or try to pet an infected animal. We should all be thankful to Heidi for creating him!!!!

Warren Buffet finds Heidi “inspirational”

Warren Buffet is well-known as the world’s richest man, but more importantly he is the richest man in America. You would think a man his age, (he’s in his seventies) would be out of touch with popular culture but Warren is smarter than you think. His favorite star is Heidi Montag!!! He watches TV like anyone else and he has long held a soft spot in his heart for America’s favorite blond. It just makes good business sense!!! He even told attendees at the annual Berkshire Hathaway shareholders meeting that he found Heidi’s presence on national TV “inspirational.” That is great news and Heidi thinks he is a VERY sweet old man. A grandpa figure for her!!!! But when you look closer, Forbes magazine has calculated that Warren Buffet is so rich he could personally give every person in America, even the illegal aliens, $5,000 dollars and still have money left over. Doesn’t it make you wonder WHY HE DOESN’T DO THIS? There is no need to amass that kind of money. Are you a “good man” or some greedy swine??? I mean, there are people starving, and even the people who aren’t could sure use that money to help them pay off some bills. Why do you need a literal mountain of money to sit on???? Help the "little guy" out. Heidi does!!! If she inspires you so much, put words into action. Let no good DEED remain unturned!!!!

Heidi to babysit The Baby Suri!!!!!

People who follow the glossies know that only six human beings on Earth have been allowed to physically touch The Baby Suri, the first-born daughter of “power couple” Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio. Well, news coming in early today is that Heidi may indeed be the seventh. She has been personally recruited by Tom Cruise via mobile cellular device to be the next babysitter for The Baby Suri!!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio can’t stay cooped up in their home every night of the week. It’s unfair to them!!! So Heidi to the rescue YET AGAIN!! She loves children and apparently The Baby Suri has been pointing at Heidi’s picture in different magazines and saying “Na--neee” in a VERY loud, longing voice. The Baby Suri is ALWAYS turning to the pages with Heidi on them!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio love it!!! They know The Baby Suri has a mind of her own. They have always stressed that their daughter is going to be HER OWN GIRL and not some Hollywood robot. So go out and have a great time, you two. Heidi has everything under control. She and The Baby Suri are best friends!!!!

Heidi condemns Fritzl—possible adoption???

The latest dispatch from Heidi’s handlers is that she is so upset about this monster Josef Fritzl who kept his own family hostage in an underground tunnel system that she is weighing the legal ramifications of offering to adopt ALL the Fritzl family children. Heidi will welcome each child into her home personally, even the one who hops about like a monkey and can’t speak English. This is called UNCONDITIONAL love and Heidi has already picked out several outfits from her Heidiwood line of clothing for the kids to wear. They are going to love the Hollywood lifestyle and Heidi is doing this for THEM and not her own personal gain. Raising children costs money and Heidi is not afraid to spend it!! It will be a long road, but of course Heidi is going to have access to the best teachers and nannies that America can produce. And of course the best in America is the best in the world!!! What kind of IDIOT would think otherwise???? Even if these children had been raised in a NORMAL home by NORMAL people they still wouldn’t have had a chance to be a success or be famous because of the country the lived in. Austria is just not good enough when you compare it to the best in the business! Remember, it’s not bragging if you can back it up!!!!!

Oprah gushes about Heidi: "She reminds me of me!!!"

Oprah Winfrey has made television history more than once whether it be by giving away cars, being the first to break big news stories or even just having political candidates on to talk about their policies. But rarely does Oprah give out that one thing that so many of us are dying for: Praise. Usually she just sits back and lets people talk about themselves. That is her specialty and her gift. But when recently asked to give her thoughts on who are the brightest lights of the upcoming generation of stars, Oprah was quick to single out Heidi Montag as the best of the bunch. She even went so far as to compare herself to Heidi!!! That is fantastic news. Heidi isn’t a big fan of the Oprah TV show, but of course she respects Oprah’s accomplishments. Oprah is a billionaire after all!!! Heidi has the drive and determination Oprah has, plus the added bonus of having more varied talents than Oprah. As far as acting goes, we all know Oprah was in that slave movie and in “Ghost” but Heidi is on a #1 TV show!! And have you ever heard Oprah sing? Come on, Heidi has the #1 Video Internet Song!! Furthermore, no one is going to want to watch Oprah on the beach in a bikini!! Heidi? No problem—they will watch all day! And they have and will CONTINUE to do so!!! So why wouldn’t you take Oprah for her word?? She is shrewd enough to recognize her failings in comparisons to Heidi’s strengths and brave enough to say it out loud!!!! Good job, Oprah!!

Heidi unwittingly dragged into Fax Spam Scam!!!

Those of us who are “white-collar” workers have all seen unsolicited faxes clogging up the company fax machine and wasting valuable time, ink and paper. These unwanted “office pests” usually come slithering out of the machine with promises of cut-rate Mexican Cruise vacations or “buy one get one free” Disney weddings, but recent weeks have seen a spate of highly dubious faxes hitting the inboxes of Fortune 500 companies promising free Heidiwood shopping sprees to unsuspecting fashionistas. Of course reaction to this offer has been immediate and enthusiastic! There is ONE small problem, however. Heidi herself has never authorized this, nor has the company who makes and sells her clothes. It is a LIE, a TRICK, and Heidi is practically in tears over this wholesale swindling of her fans. HMIB is proud to be one of several media outlets Heidi’s handlers have asked to try and turn this sick hoax around for the better. So I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW. Do not fall for this fax. Ball it up. Shred it. Burn it. (Outside, please!!) But do not call or email the number given on the fax. It is just putting money in the pockets of lazy bums who have done NOTHING and get everything in return. It’s not fair to Heidi!!!!! Why would she GIVE AWAY clothes??? They are not rags!!! There ought to be laws against this!

Heidi will be doing backup vocals for the The Boss!!!

Music biz insiders have known for months that “The Boss” (given name: Bruce Springsteen) is feverishly working on a concept double CD album about the current foreclosure crisis of American homes. This is going to be an “all-star” cast type project with David Gilmour, Tommy Lee, Lionel Richie, Eric Burdon and Aimee Mann from Til’Tuesday all lending a hand. But did you know that Bruce has personally picked Heidi to be the official backing singer for this record??? And she’s not going to be there just to look pretty and shake a tambourine. Bruce has given her full privileges to make musical suggestions and even add some lyrical ideas. Heidi is not even close to losing her homes in Beverly Hills or Colorado because she has plenty of cash on hand to make the payments, but she has EMPATHY and knows what it’s like to lose a home you’ve sacrificed everything for. Do you think Bruce Springsteen just wakes up one morning and decides to do this??? No, he has asked Heidi to be a part of this for a reason and that reason is that he KNOWS that she is an uber-talented singer! And do you think for one moment this Rock n Roll Hall of Fame inductee might know what he’s talking about?? Ya think?????????????

Heidi to be new voice of Commerce Bank’s Penny Arcade!!

Most banks are going out of business faster than the crow flies because of this mortgage loan crisis, but Commerce Bank is the world’s fastest growing bank. Most of the major movie stars have accounts at Commerce and Heidi is no exception. Recently she had a discussion with the President and CEO of the bank and now it is official!! Heidi is going to lend her voice to Penny Arcade, the automated change-counting machines located at every branch of Commerce Bank, USA. You do NOT have to be a Commerce Bank customer to use Penny Arcade!!! It is a great and invaluable service but some concerned folks have made some very germane and negative comments about the voice that is used to guide customers through the time-consuming process counting their submitted change. The majority of people have described it as “childish” and “creepy” so, once again, Heidi to the rescue!! She has booked studio time and she is going to re-record EVERY SINGLE phrase that Penny/Heidi says in a professional setting with professional sound engineers and staff. People are going to love this “new look and sound” Penny Arcade! Bear in mind that Commerce does not charge for this service!!!

Uno Italian Food Chain to release Limited Edition Summer Pizza—The Marvelous Montag!!

Uno Italian Food Chain Company has announced the following change to their summer dining menu. Starting June 1st, just in time for the warm weather, they will be offering their valued customers the Marvelous Montag Deep-Dish Pizza. This will be a TRADEMARKED name and the toppings for this pizza are to be hand-picked by Heidi herself. This will be a LIMITED EDITION offering offered only for the three months of Summer. The company WILL NOT be revealing the ingredients of the pizza until the menus are printed and ready to be given to customers, for obvious reasons of security. They can not have small “mom and pop” pizza shops stealing the ingredients and concept of what promises to be a wholly unique pie and top seller in the Uno pizza empire. Heidi has spent a lot of her own PERSONAL time working on the “blueprint” of putting this pizza together. Why would she let someone who’s put absolutely no time or effort walk off with her ideas? That is asinine!!! She wants the people who buy her pizza to get their money’s worth and also to come back time and time again. To buy more pizzas!!! Bear in mind that this will be a “Deep-Dish” pizza packed with delicious ingredients. Deep Dish pizzas have always been regarded as the most upscale pizza pie available for sale. It sounds like this is a win-win-win situation for everyone. 1.) Heidi 2.) The Uno Italian Pizza Company 3.) People who love pizza!!

Uno means “one” in foreign non-English languages and Heidi is #1!!! Talk about a match made in Heaven, this one is positively celestial…congratulations, Heidi!!!

RuPaul’s Nod for Song of the Year 2008—“Higher”

Recording giant RuPaul issued a press release earlier this week to submit her vote for “Dance Song” of the year. Drum roll please because the winner is Heidi Montag’s feel-good hit of the year “Higher!!!!” RuPaul had a #1 song in 1993 with the dancetastic booty-shaker “Supermodel (You Better Work)” so this diva knows what she is talking about. The highest praise any artist can receive is that of her peers so this is great news for Heidi. We all know that “Higher” is a special song and we are not the only ones. Thanks for the kind words, RuPaul, you are fierce!!!!!!!!