Heidi volunteers to be decoy for Hope Solo in Beijing!!!!

The Summer Olympics are barreling towards all of us like an out of control 18 wheeler and you know for sure the USA is gonna win!!! We won’t take all the medals, but most of them will be ours. One of our best teams is the US Women’s Soccer Football team. They have been world champions many times over. This is going to be a great Olympics for them, but one of the most unfortunate things about having to travel abroad to compete is the ever-present specter of death threats from disgruntled, and to put it quite bluntly, insane fans. It seems some of the comments #1 U.S. goalkeeper Hope Solo recently made about the Chinese people and their outmoded form of government have raised the ire of a certain number of residents of this COMMUNIST country. As a US citizen, she has the God-Given RIGHT to say whatever she wants. Unfortunately, some foreigners disagree, and even if you manage to inflame the passions of just 1/10 of 1% of a population of a sprawling country whose citizens number well over a billion—well, the figures are astronomical. Beautiful, blonde athlete Hope Solo is in serious trouble over this and the U.S. Olympic committee has entered in agreements with Heidi for Heidi to act as a decoy or “Fake Hope Solo” for the fortnight the games will be held. She will travel with the team, be seen at ceremonial functions with the team and may even spend some time in goal during early round matches to ensure that the real Hope Solo remains under the cover of security and in perfect condition to lead our Stars and Stripes girls to Victory. It is a dangerous undertaking but Heidi is not afraid. She believes in the USA. And so should all of us!!!

Travolta: L. Ron Hubbard would have married Heidi!!!

John Travolta is an actor, father of several children and staunch advocate of preserving our nation’s covered bridges. L. Ron Hubbard was one of the “leading lights” of the ancient Scientological Church and also a noted seer, coxswain and man of letters. He is dead now, but to marry such a man would literally transfer unto this lucky female the coveted mantle of Queen. And guess what? Heidi is the Chosen One!!! John Travolta unhesitatingly cited Heidi’s good humor, kindness to animals, singing voice, kitchen skills and All-American good looks before bestowing upon her this highest of honors. And that’s not all--he continued by saying that the way Heidi has handled her incredible fame over the years is “unprecedented in recorded history.” Geez, do you think he likes Heidi??? Well, he is not a dumb man, that’s for sure. He danced with Princess Diana!!! Do you remember that magical night? What is fantastic is that this is not mere speculation. As a ranking Thetan of the 41st Imperial Operating Level, John Joseph Travolta is actually in daily contact with the “Barn Boss” of the ancient Scientological Church. His name? L. Ron Hubbard!!!! And yes, he is in LOVE with Heidi!!!!

Heidi to host Five Day “SAVE HD-DVD” telethon!!!

This incredible news will soon be a reality August 5-10, 2008 at Indianapolis Motor Speedway as Heidi Montag has been contracted to be the host for a five day music and entertainment spectacular to raise money from the good people of America to help save the HD-DVD format of DVD consumer movie disc-playing electronic devices. Millions of people, including Heidi, have purchased these machines in GOOD FAITH and now the shady “powers that be” have deemed these machines “worthless” even though they are in perfect working order. It’s like state-sanctioned murder!!!! Some of the acts that have agreed to help by performing at this extravaganza are Jason Schwartzman’s rock ‘n’ roll music band Phantom Planet, comedian Don Rickles, popular magician act CRiSS ANgel MINDFREAK, cherished wild animal trainers Siegfried and Roy, noted boxing legend Gerry Cooney, Personal “Chef to the Stars” Bobby Flay, the architect Donald Trump, “Lost” screenwriter Damon Lindelhof and European thrush Grande Dauphine Lady Celine Dion. This program will run for five days straight on the Univision television network and will indeed be the first program in that station’s history to be broadcast entirely in English. Heidi is giving nearly a week of her life for this historic event and we should all help her out BY TRASHING any Blu-Ray machines our family or friends may own. It’s only right!!!!!

Heidi to play lead in “The Amanda Peet Story!!!”

Hollywood agents have their tongues a’cluckin’ louder than the Perdue Factory Farms Chicken Ranch at recent news concerning Heidi Montag’s first ever Major Network “Movie of the Week” role in the highly-anticipated mini-series biopic “The Amanda Peet Story.” Heidi is justifiably excited about this role even though she obviously is going to have to dye her hair a much darker color than her natural blond hair color. Amanda Peet is best known and loved for her role as the crazy girlfriend in “Saving Silverman” but there has been much more to her life than just acting and Heidi is going to do a great job portraying the ups and downs of “making it” in New York City acting circles. It isn’t always a pretty picture but Heidi is not going to shy away from even the most sordid details of the infamous “early days” of Amanda Peet’s life. There may be some nude scenes but Heidi is not afraid because she is a BRAVE actress. This movie is going to have Neilsen home ratings boxes trembling like a freakin’ earthquake just hit town!!!

Heidi elected Emergency Spice Girl!!!!

The Spice Girls reunion tour of 2007-2008 was by far the highest-grossing concert on record. Adults young and old and kids of every size and age packed into the stadiums like sardines for the sole purpose of seeing five talented ladies “strut their stuff.” UNFORTUNATELY, there is always a bad apple in the bunch and this time around Ms. Emma Bunton a.k.a. “Baby Spice” is the wormy, rotten fruit in question. She RUINED it for everyone because she couldn’t get along with the other girls. Her behavior was reprehensible--there is even a rumor that she piddled into a plate of Scary Spice’s food when Scary Spice turned away to take a phone call. That is disgusting and racist!! Because of her refusal to continue on with the tour it had to be cancelled. The other girls were heartbroken and they are dying to reschedule the tour dates. Emma Bunton basically CHEATED millions of fans out of their rights. But what can they do??? Well, here comes Heidi!!! She is going to be the newest Spice Girl and her nickname of course is going to be Glamour Girl Spice. In England they spell Glamour differently!! Apparently the Spice Girls were downloading Heidi’s song like crazy when it first came out and, well, when the spot opened up for an “Emergency” Spice Girl, her name immediately vaulted to the top of the list. ALL the food on this tour will be paid for by the record company. And drinks, too!!! All Heidi has to do is show up and sing her heart out. And you know that’s exactly what she’s going to do!!!! There isn’t a stadium built on Earth that can hold all her fans!!!

The Devil Wears Prada to be remade with Heidi!!!

The Devil Wears Prada was a pretty good movie but did anyone notice how unglamorous and mousy the lead actress Jane Hathaway was?? Well, the “big guns” in Hollywood did and they are putting plans in motion to remake the movie with Heidi in the starring role as the “It” girl assistant to famous editor Miranda Priestly of Runway magazine. The casting of this inspired remake is a who’s who of current Hollywood Royalty. Take a look:

Heidi Montag as Andy Sachs (the Midwest “Glamour Girl” who comes to be famous in NY)
Nicole Richie as Miranda Priestly (the evil fashion magazine editor and Heidi’s boss)
RuPaul as Nigel (the gay employee who befriends Andy and gives her free clothes)
Grand Dame Judy Dench as Emily (the snobby British fashion-nut who is assistant to Miranda and who is jealous of Heidi)
Jackie Earle Haley as Christian Thompson (the famous writer who seduces Heidi)
Kevin Dillon as Nate (Heidi’s boyfriend who wants to be a chef)
Jada Pinkett-Smith as Lily (Heidi’s black lesbian friend)
Guest stars Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen as the Priestly Twins (the little girls who read the Harry Potter book Heidi steals for them)

With a cast like that the batting average on this movie is bound to be 1,000%. Preorders for DVDs are through the roof and it hasn’t even been shot yet! Release will be late 2009 so we have to wait awhile. But you know it will be worth it!!! Heidi DESIGNS clothes so of course she is a natural for this role. Expect popcorn and candy sales to be up during screenings of this film, also, as Heidi’s fans are definitely from an upscale demographic!!!!

Heidi Hand-Chosen to be OFFICIAL Pallbearer at Funeral of Yves Saint Laurent

The world lost a fashion giant a few days ago, but of course there are always new and up and coming designers who are going to make fashion history no matter who came before. The people closest to Yves Saint Laurent as his long illness worked its way to the end are unanimous about one thing and that is that he regarded Heidi and her Heidiwood clothing line as the hands-down best of the “new breed” of California-based fashion pioneers. So it’s coming as no surprise to anyone in the industry that the last will and testament of Yves Saint Laurent specified specifically that Heidi be one of the pallbearers at Yves Saint Laurent’s funeral in the fashion capital of Paris. There were even rumors flying around over the weekend that the funeral was being moved to southern California in tribute to Heidi, but of course that is ridiculous. Yves Saint Laurent was many things but he was not an American, so how could he expect to be buried on American soil? Like I already said once—ridiculous!!! Heidi has had to cancel and rearrange more than half a dozen business appointments in order to attend this funeral but as usual she is handling these setbacks with her GOD-GIVEN aplomb. Yves Saint Laurent’s “grandma-type” clothes are just a bit too old-fashioned for a girl like Heidi, but she knows her fashion history. Of course, Heidi is in great shape physically, but she is female so even though she is an OFFICIAL pallbearer at this funeral, she will not be forced to carry the actual coffin. Arrangements have been made to have a cashmere blanket spread over the front half of the casket and Heidi will be asked to sit up there as the procession moves through the street of Paris and local church bells toll out the news that another life has been lost. People, it is quite obvious this is going to be the fashion event of the year, so Heidi has respectfully asked that she be permitted to wear her own clothing line and this request has been granted without hesitation.