LiLo: “I’d rather be dating Heidi!!!!”

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are currently the reigning lesbian couple in the celebrity world. They are so young and glamorous they make the former reigning Queen and Queen—Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi--look as forlorn and ancient as Eleanor Roosevelt and Gertrude Stein. But being at the top still isn’t good enough for Lindsay and who can blame her? She is an A+ List star but her girlfriend the disc jockey is a B- List Star at best, and some would even put her at D+ depending on what part of the country you live in. Lindsey knows she deserves better and she’s recently informed close friends that she has her sights set on a girl she feels would be her perfect “girl toy.” But wait just a minute here!!! Granted, Heidi has always touted Herbie: Fully Loaded as her favorite all-time movie, but that is NOT a betrayal of her heterosexuality. That movie should have been an Oscar-winner and, yes, Lindsay’s performance was a good one, but we all know it was Herbie's show. Heidi loves him--he’s probably the funniest car in the history of movies, even better than the animated ones in Cars and certainly more lovable than Christine. But how does that make her a lesbian, Lindsay???? Keep your sick fantasies to yourself. Heidi wants to raise a family someday, and last time we checked, “eating at the Y” is NOT a form of procreation. It’s all in the Holy Bible if you’d take 5 seconds to read it!!!!

Heidi texts note of encouragement to William Hung!!!

Singer/Dancer William Hung is one of the most recognized entertainers in show business today. His sunny disposition and “never-say-quit” demeanor in the face of unspeakable tragedy on American Idol was something people from all walks of life drew strength from. His popularity is so pervasive, he is sometimes referred to as the “World’s Mascot.” What most people don’t know is that William has struggled his whole life-- fighting and WINNING battles against epilepsy, weight control, corns, hammertoes, and acute dipsomania to emerge a better person who is beloved by all. Heidi is also beloved by all, so she knows how demanding the life of a celebrity can be. Therefore she has taken time out of her busy schedule to PERSONALLY text a note of encouragement and solace to William. It’s nobody’s business what actual words were used, but we can all rest assured Heidi’s missive was heartfelt, sincere and flowing with prose every bit as beautiful and brilliant as her golden locks. William Hung, you have been touched by an angel!!!

Heidi Chosen for Internet Banner Ad Marketing Campaign!!!!

We’ve all seen them and we all love them. You can’t visit AOL, Hotmail or even NFL.com without spying one. They are those adorable banner ads featuring various glamorous people bustin’ out their best dance moves. These ads are indisputably the most popular internet sensation of 2008 and Heidi is the latest celebrity to be asked to contribute to this viral phenomenon. She is going to be using the signature dance routine she immortalized in her seaside music video “Higher.” Yes, a miniaturized and digitized “virtual Heidi” will be “shakin’ her thang” on banners for the LowerMyBills.com website. It’s no surprise Heidi has been asked to contribute--she has already been rated the #1 Most Searched Keyword on the entire World Wide Web for four months running. In fact, her name in combination with other words, most notably “best singer” “biggest reality TV star” “shag-o-licious” and “America’s most beautiful woman” take up five of the top ten spots on Web Search engines the world over. Previous “Queens of the Internet” like Chinese gymnast He Kexin and television coquette Tila Tequila have been pushed aside by the enormity of Heidi’s popularity, but it’s not her fault if people love her!!!! God, stop your whining, bitches!!!!

Heidi “disgusted” by Oompa-Loompas!!!!

Heidi was recently among the A-List crowd at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion for a special 35th Anniversary screening of the cult movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Heidi had heard of this movie, but never seen it before and it turned out to be quite an event for her. Witnesses at the party all agree that at the first sight of the diminutive orange-hued factory slaves colloquially known as “Oompa-Loompas,” Heidi passed out cold and had to be carried from the screening room. Some of the big names in attendance were Benihana heiress Devon Aoki, comedian Louie Anderson, video actor Dick Rambone, Bangles lead singer Susanna Hoffs and FDNY Fire Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta. Every guest in attendance was shocked and disappointed that the host of this party, the rumored-to-be-senile Hugh Hefner, would wantonly expose Heidi to images of these vile half-men. Heidi was too gracious a guest to speak out loud about this violation of her sensibilities, but her attorneys may not be so reticent!!!!

John Mark Karr begs Heidi to star in his movie!!!!

It has now been confirmed by Heidi’s handler’s that her film industry agents have been contacted by the agents of John Mark Karr, the former schoolteacher who rose to dizzying heights of notoriety in the JonBenet Ramsey missing persons case some years back. Mr. Karr has been quietly living in Fulton County, Georgia as of late and he has been using his time wisely. He has recently completed a screenplay entitled Sorority Row Angel that tells the story of a beautiful and innocent blonde girl’s freshman year of college. And John Mark Karr himself has hand-picked Heidi to play the lead role!!! This project is being pitched as an 80’s style “hi-jinks” type movie complete with panty raids, hidden cameras in the sorority house showers, lesbian initiation rites and a HUGE food fight that takes place at a co-ed beach volleyball tournament. It is going to be filmed on location at a real college--the University of Colorado in Boulder. What is great about this is that Heidi grew up in Colorado so she will have no trouble playing this part. She is an A-list star and this movie will make millions!!! So Heidi of course should be paid MILLIONS to act in it. What part of that don’t you understand?????

Heidi to finally receive prize from William F. Buckley’s will!!!!

Conservatives and Liberals alike were saddened to hear about the final passing of National Review founder William F. Buckley earlier this calendar year. What most people don’t realize is that WFB, as he was affectionately known, and Heidi Montag shared a “pen pal” relationship for over a decade, starting when Heidi was a little girl growing up in Colorado. They were both staunch traditionalists in so many things-- eschewing emails and even text messaging to instead correspond via letter, utilizing old-fashioned paper and pen. They always used stationery from Smythson of Bond Street and ink pens from Mont Blanc. They had so much to talk about that at some points they were trading four and five letters a week!!!! And all through the U.S. Mail, which is STILL the best bargain available if one needs to ship small items like letters or compact disc recordings that have been sold on Ebay or Half.com. Mr. Buckley’s will was recently executed and it turns out he left Heidi a prize—to be hers for the remainder of her natural life. It is none of our business exactly what this item was, but it is great to know that Heidi was remembered in WFB’s last will and testament. Heidi still thinks of him every day!!!!

Heidi finalizing plans to adopt the “Montauk Monster!!”

This is an animal shunned by all, but Heidi’s heart is so enormous she has bid her handlers to make arrangements with the Long Island Animal Welfare Board granting Heidi and her estate sole legal custody of it. Yes, even though it is ugly and even though it is dead, Heidi’s love of animals is so all-encompassing that she is willing to open her HOME to this monstrous beast. Never before has nature spewed forth from its unwiped bowels a creature so sickening, so nauseating, so hideous to the eye and STILL Heidi’s heart and motives are so pure that the world-famous Montauk Monster will no longer be forced to forlornly lie on the beach, rotting in the sun. Heidi’s home is filled with the finest hand-made Amish furniture. A personalized Bugatti Veyron sits gleaming in her garage, which is so big it is not even connected to her house!!! Her draperies are fashioned from the finest gossamer and her wall-to-wall carpeting is as thick as the grass on a country club fairway. She has art on the walls from all the great artists of Europe and even Canada. Not exactly a pigpen, and yet she has unselfishly agreed to welcome this bloated, putrescent THING into her place of residence. Most of the locals have been demanding that the Montauk Monster be weighed down with old truck transmissions and sunk to the deepest part of the ocean with the whale droppings and muck. Heidi says no. Her unselfishness and kindness to pets sets an example for one and all. Are you paying attention, Michael Vick!!!