Heidi to launch Anti-Rabies Campaign for Kids and Seniors!!!!

Heidi loves animals and the most painful thing for her is to see a rabid animal running riot and threatening innocent people. It is a tragedy for all concerned and Heidi has long been agonizing over these cases. Again, she LOVES animals! Although she personally does not have the time to own or care for an animal, it is pure torture for her to read articles and see clips of animals infected with rabies thrashing around and being poked with sticks. The problem is that these animals WILL NOT go off on their own and die. A rabid raccoon or squirrel driven mad by this disease can easily chew through a screen door and invade an otherwise peaceful home!!! Or hide in the backseat of a car waiting to attack the unsuspecting driver. This shouldn’t be happening and Heidi knows this. She is going to be writing and illustrating a COMIC BOOK to help make young kids and senior citizens more aware of the dangers they face when confronted with rabid animals. By nature, most children and geriatrics trust cute animals IMPLICITLY. By creating the beloved character Foamy the Rabid Raccoon, and employing him in her comic book, Heidi is doing a great service to the people of rural areas and even suburban areas that have encroached on wildlife habitats. Foamy will teach, through words and song, that it is DANGEROUS to touch or try to pet an infected animal. We should all be thankful to Heidi for creating him!!!!

Warren Buffet finds Heidi “inspirational”

Warren Buffet is well-known as the world’s richest man, but more importantly he is the richest man in America. You would think a man his age, (he’s in his seventies) would be out of touch with popular culture but Warren is smarter than you think. His favorite star is Heidi Montag!!! He watches TV like anyone else and he has long held a soft spot in his heart for America’s favorite blond. It just makes good business sense!!! He even told attendees at the annual Berkshire Hathaway shareholders meeting that he found Heidi’s presence on national TV “inspirational.” That is great news and Heidi thinks he is a VERY sweet old man. A grandpa figure for her!!!! But when you look closer, Forbes magazine has calculated that Warren Buffet is so rich he could personally give every person in America, even the illegal aliens, $5,000 dollars and still have money left over. Doesn’t it make you wonder WHY HE DOESN’T DO THIS? There is no need to amass that kind of money. Are you a “good man” or some greedy swine??? I mean, there are people starving, and even the people who aren’t could sure use that money to help them pay off some bills. Why do you need a literal mountain of money to sit on???? Help the "little guy" out. Heidi does!!! If she inspires you so much, put words into action. Let no good DEED remain unturned!!!!

Heidi to babysit The Baby Suri!!!!!

People who follow the glossies know that only six human beings on Earth have been allowed to physically touch The Baby Suri, the first-born daughter of “power couple” Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio. Well, news coming in early today is that Heidi may indeed be the seventh. She has been personally recruited by Tom Cruise via mobile cellular device to be the next babysitter for The Baby Suri!!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio can’t stay cooped up in their home every night of the week. It’s unfair to them!!! So Heidi to the rescue YET AGAIN!! She loves children and apparently The Baby Suri has been pointing at Heidi’s picture in different magazines and saying “Na--neee” in a VERY loud, longing voice. The Baby Suri is ALWAYS turning to the pages with Heidi on them!! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes of Ohio love it!!! They know The Baby Suri has a mind of her own. They have always stressed that their daughter is going to be HER OWN GIRL and not some Hollywood robot. So go out and have a great time, you two. Heidi has everything under control. She and The Baby Suri are best friends!!!!

Heidi condemns Fritzl—possible adoption???

The latest dispatch from Heidi’s handlers is that she is so upset about this monster Josef Fritzl who kept his own family hostage in an underground tunnel system that she is weighing the legal ramifications of offering to adopt ALL the Fritzl family children. Heidi will welcome each child into her home personally, even the one who hops about like a monkey and can’t speak English. This is called UNCONDITIONAL love and Heidi has already picked out several outfits from her Heidiwood line of clothing for the kids to wear. They are going to love the Hollywood lifestyle and Heidi is doing this for THEM and not her own personal gain. Raising children costs money and Heidi is not afraid to spend it!! It will be a long road, but of course Heidi is going to have access to the best teachers and nannies that America can produce. And of course the best in America is the best in the world!!! What kind of IDIOT would think otherwise???? Even if these children had been raised in a NORMAL home by NORMAL people they still wouldn’t have had a chance to be a success or be famous because of the country the lived in. Austria is just not good enough when you compare it to the best in the business! Remember, it’s not bragging if you can back it up!!!!!

Oprah gushes about Heidi: "She reminds me of me!!!"

Oprah Winfrey has made television history more than once whether it be by giving away cars, being the first to break big news stories or even just having political candidates on to talk about their policies. But rarely does Oprah give out that one thing that so many of us are dying for: Praise. Usually she just sits back and lets people talk about themselves. That is her specialty and her gift. But when recently asked to give her thoughts on who are the brightest lights of the upcoming generation of stars, Oprah was quick to single out Heidi Montag as the best of the bunch. She even went so far as to compare herself to Heidi!!! That is fantastic news. Heidi isn’t a big fan of the Oprah TV show, but of course she respects Oprah’s accomplishments. Oprah is a billionaire after all!!! Heidi has the drive and determination Oprah has, plus the added bonus of having more varied talents than Oprah. As far as acting goes, we all know Oprah was in that slave movie and in “Ghost” but Heidi is on a #1 TV show!! And have you ever heard Oprah sing? Come on, Heidi has the #1 Video Internet Song!! Furthermore, no one is going to want to watch Oprah on the beach in a bikini!! Heidi? No problem—they will watch all day! And they have and will CONTINUE to do so!!! So why wouldn’t you take Oprah for her word?? She is shrewd enough to recognize her failings in comparisons to Heidi’s strengths and brave enough to say it out loud!!!! Good job, Oprah!!

Heidi did NOT refer to Amy Winehouse as a “Chicken Head!!”

There was some mass confusion the other day when Heidi was misquoted by a journalist from one of the large British music magazines. And now we have this. The truth is, Amy Winehouse has never been one of Heidi’s favorites. She’s just too skeezy!!!! And the music, well, Heidi has never even listened to it. She likes brighter, positive music, not this gloom and doom Goth stuff. But FACT: Heidi does not need to resort to name-calling. NOR would she!!!! On the streets of high-crime “drug areas,” Chicken Heads are known by all to be the lowest of the low. They are females, and males, too, who trade unprotected oral sexual favors for drugs. How would Heidi even know what that term is or what it means?? She has never touched drugs and her handlers make sure that no one who traffics in that stuff gets anywhere near her. Did you see what happened to Heath Ledger???? He died because unsavory characters he had met in dive bars lacking proper VIP sections pumped him full of drugs until his heart stopped. Heidi knows it is a slippery slope so she would never be caught with even so much as a cold capsule!!! Amy Winehouse means NOTHING to Heidi. Most normal people have no idea who Amy Winehouse is. The facts speak for themselves!!!

Heidi unwittingly dragged into Fax Spam Scam!!!

Those of us who are “white-collar” workers have all seen unsolicited faxes clogging up the company fax machine and wasting valuable time, ink and paper. These unwanted “office pests” usually come slithering out of the machine with promises of cut-rate Mexican Cruise vacations or “buy one get one free” Disney weddings, but recent weeks have seen a spate of highly dubious faxes hitting the inboxes of Fortune 500 companies promising free Heidiwood shopping sprees to unsuspecting fashionistas. Of course reaction to this offer has been immediate and enthusiastic! There is ONE small problem, however. Heidi herself has never authorized this, nor has the company who makes and sells her clothes. It is a LIE, a TRICK, and Heidi is practically in tears over this wholesale swindling of her fans. HMIB is proud to be one of several media outlets Heidi’s handlers have asked to try and turn this sick hoax around for the better. So I AM TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW. Do not fall for this fax. Ball it up. Shred it. Burn it. (Outside, please!!) But do not call or email the number given on the fax. It is just putting money in the pockets of lazy bums who have done NOTHING and get everything in return. It’s not fair to Heidi!!!!! Why would she GIVE AWAY clothes??? They are not rags!!! There ought to be laws against this!

Heidi will be doing backup vocals for the The Boss!!!

Music biz insiders have known for months that “The Boss” (given name: Bruce Springsteen) is feverishly working on a concept double CD album about the current foreclosure crisis of American homes. This is going to be an “all-star” cast type project with David Gilmour, Tommy Lee, Lionel Richie, Eric Burdon and Aimee Mann from Til’Tuesday all lending a hand. But did you know that Bruce has personally picked Heidi to be the official backing singer for this record??? And she’s not going to be there just to look pretty and shake a tambourine. Bruce has given her full privileges to make musical suggestions and even add some lyrical ideas. Heidi is not even close to losing her homes in Beverly Hills or Colorado because she has plenty of cash on hand to make the payments, but she has EMPATHY and knows what it’s like to lose a home you’ve sacrificed everything for. Do you think Bruce Springsteen just wakes up one morning and decides to do this??? No, he has asked Heidi to be a part of this for a reason and that reason is that he KNOWS that she is an uber-talented singer! And do you think for one moment this Rock n Roll Hall of Fame inductee might know what he’s talking about?? Ya think?????????????

Heidi to be new voice of Commerce Bank’s Penny Arcade!!

Most banks are going out of business faster than the crow flies because of this mortgage loan crisis, but Commerce Bank is the world’s fastest growing bank. Most of the major movie stars have accounts at Commerce and Heidi is no exception. Recently she had a discussion with the President and CEO of the bank and now it is official!! Heidi is going to lend her voice to Penny Arcade, the automated change-counting machines located at every branch of Commerce Bank, USA. You do NOT have to be a Commerce Bank customer to use Penny Arcade!!! It is a great and invaluable service but some concerned folks have made some very germane and negative comments about the voice that is used to guide customers through the time-consuming process counting their submitted change. The majority of people have described it as “childish” and “creepy” so, once again, Heidi to the rescue!! She has booked studio time and she is going to re-record EVERY SINGLE phrase that Penny/Heidi says in a professional setting with professional sound engineers and staff. People are going to love this “new look and sound” Penny Arcade! Bear in mind that Commerce does not charge for this service!!!

Heidi to Clooney: “Leatherheads” No Good!!!

Reports are surfacing of a brief tete-a-tete that took place over the weekend at one of the world’s most popular bars in LA—which shall remain unnamed here. (HMIB is NOT a free advertising service!) Heidi and Hollywood tastemaker George Clooney happened to be in the VIP room at the same time, so of course they engaged in some light conversation. Apparently Heidi spoke her mind to George about his latest (flop) movie and she gave him her honest, unvarnished opinion. And George loved it!!! He has always been one of Tinseltown’s “coolest customers” and he has done so much for the poor people of Africa that we can all learn a lesson from his actions. He can see that the movie is not doing well—the American people have rejected it!!! But the “hows and whys” of its failure are something it takes another big star to spell out. And Heidi did just that!!!! She has had a great run with her TV show, song, and clothing line, so she knows of what she speaks!! And she is a rabid football fan as well (In fact she is very close friends with the Bowlen family who own the Denver Broncos) and George’s movie just did not deliver the goods when it comes to an accurate portrayal of America’s Pastime. It’s not a crime--he’s had so many great movies that people are still going to love him and watch his every move. All in all, though, Heidi was very diplomatic, but the truth had to be told. You can bet his next movie’s going to be better!!!

Uno Italian Food Chain to release Limited Edition Summer Pizza—The Marvelous Montag!!

Uno Italian Food Chain Company has announced the following change to their summer dining menu. Starting June 1st, just in time for the warm weather, they will be offering their valued customers the Marvelous Montag Deep-Dish Pizza. This will be a TRADEMARKED name and the toppings for this pizza are to be hand-picked by Heidi herself. This will be a LIMITED EDITION offering offered only for the three months of Summer. The company WILL NOT be revealing the ingredients of the pizza until the menus are printed and ready to be given to customers, for obvious reasons of security. They can not have small “mom and pop” pizza shops stealing the ingredients and concept of what promises to be a wholly unique pie and top seller in the Uno pizza empire. Heidi has spent a lot of her own PERSONAL time working on the “blueprint” of putting this pizza together. Why would she let someone who’s put absolutely no time or effort walk off with her ideas? That is asinine!!! She wants the people who buy her pizza to get their money’s worth and also to come back time and time again. To buy more pizzas!!! Bear in mind that this will be a “Deep-Dish” pizza packed with delicious ingredients. Deep Dish pizzas have always been regarded as the most upscale pizza pie available for sale. It sounds like this is a win-win-win situation for everyone. 1.) Heidi 2.) The Uno Italian Pizza Company 3.) People who love pizza!!

Uno means “one” in foreign non-English languages and Heidi is #1!!! Talk about a match made in Heaven, this one is positively celestial…congratulations, Heidi!!!

RuPaul’s Nod for Song of the Year 2008—“Higher”

Recording giant RuPaul issued a press release earlier this week to submit her vote for “Dance Song” of the year. Drum roll please because the winner is Heidi Montag’s feel-good hit of the year “Higher!!!!” RuPaul had a #1 song in 1993 with the dancetastic booty-shaker “Supermodel (You Better Work)” so this diva knows what she is talking about. The highest praise any artist can receive is that of her peers so this is great news for Heidi. We all know that “Higher” is a special song and we are not the only ones. Thanks for the kind words, RuPaul, you are fierce!!!!!!!!

Heidi line of cell phones---2009 launch!!

Everybody knows about Vertu cell phones. They are the undisputed “best in the business.” But did you know that this esteemed brand will soon be #2 on the block?? Yes, it is a fact. Word from the patent attorney and legal circles is that business development contracts have been signed between Heidi and the Pantech Cellular Device Manufacturing Company to design and build a new line of exclusive, ultra-premium mobile devices. These aren’t going to be just a phone, people. It will have “on the go” voice mail playback, random internet access, blue tooth wire less technology, remote ignition for any make of import automobile and more.

What makes this one of the most unique deals in the biz is that Heidi is not going to just “put her name on it” she is going to be involved in the design and the research and development of the phone’s “innards.” She wants to make sure her fans are getting the best phone!!! She will be testing the products of the best companies currently extant and then SHE will pick the speaker that sounds best, the keypad that is the best to touch and the longest-lasting battery, etc. Engineers will be there to consult with but Heidi will have the final say. No other celebrity has ever approached a new product launch from this “hands on” angle. Is it no wonder initial orders of this phone are already sold out. And with a price far north of the Vertu, too. But it will be worth it!!!!

Heidi’s Official Portrait officially commissioned to Thomas Kinkade!!

Great news today. Heidi has been agonizing for MONTHS about who to choose to paint her for her official portrait to be donated to the Library of Congress this coming Christmas Day, but the votes are in and Heidi has chosen one of the most well-known and accomplished painters in the world today. Thomas Kinkade is known the world over for his bright, almost heavenly renditions of landscapes and portraits of the world’s most famous people. Seriously, a paintbrush in Thomas’s expert hand is like a magic wand in the fingers of an all-powerful wizard and Heidi knows this. Simply put, this guy can do it all and he’s just as excited as Heidi to get the opportunity to capture her likeness for ages to come. It’s a real mutual admiration society and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of celebrities and art critics are chomping at the bit to see this painting but listen, folks, it hasn’t been done yet!!! Nor do we know when and where the session will take place…do you think Heidi is crazy??? If the details of this were to become public knowledge it would be a media circus times three!!! The painting will be unveiled at the proper time and place and that’s just the way it’s going to be. But you can bet technologically-savvy Heidi is going to post it on the internet so we will ALL get to see it when it is done. She would not cheat her fans!!!

Heidi making a play for L.A. Gear???

The continuing popularity of Heidi’s “Heidiwood” line of designer clothing is no secret. But there’s more wonderful news forthcoming because word from the top turret of the Montag Mansion is that Heidi is seriously considering re-launching the famous 80’s brand of L.A. Gear footwear to complement her Heidiwood line of best-selling designer clothing. Heidi is a girl on the go, and she knows that most of the pretty, fit girls her age and younger are on the go, too. And who wants to wear stupid, ugly Nikes all the time? These fuddy-duddy sneaker brands like Reebok and Nike just do not cater to the fashion-forward young woman with a lot on her mind. So Heidi to the rescue!!!

L.A. Gear was absolutely the biggest “lifestyle brand” of both the 80’s AND the 90’s and Heidi knows it is much, much easier to re-start an already famous brand than build something from scratch. After all, she’s done both!!! Heidiwood is like Gucci or Prada now!!! In less than one year!! Face it. Heidi knows the fashion industry inside and out, and she knows what her fans want. They want a stylish, fashionable shoe suitable for wearing both to the gym and to dinner at a wonderful restaurant. And it has to be something that girls not as wealthy as Heidi can afford with their own money. Not some super-expensive thing that they are shooting kids for like Air Jordans!!! Heidi would be devastated if one of her fans were killed over shoes. Or killed at all!! No one wants to see people die and that is the point!!!

Starring role for Heidi in “Hans and Franz” reunion movie??

Major news from the major studios today. One of the biggest Hollywood studios extant will be releasing a blockbuster movie in the summer of 2009 featuring the long-awaited reunion and big screen reappearance of Austrian body-building gods “Hans and Franz.” This movie will be released in all 50 states nationwide. The title is pending. Unsurprisingly, Heidi has been tapped for the role of romantic lead/glamour girl in this blockbuster cinematic vehicle. Moles from the screenwriter’s guild are saying that this movie is going to be positioned as a “dark comedy” in which Hans and Franz actually KILL someone because he has harassed Heidi’s character and made her life miserable. Apparently, these guys actually rip this dude apart with their bare hands and the CGI effects in play during this scene are supposed to be tremendous. Sounds gruesome, but the guy deserves it!!!! You do NOT go around harassing ANY woman if she tells you to leave her alone. Heidi is not asking for special treatment, as will be revealed for all to see on the big screen, she told the guy several times to just leave her be but to no avail. She can’t control what Hans and Franz does??!! Like I said, the guy deserved it. There is not a court in the land that would convict and/or disagree.

Heidi Gives Stimulus Check to the Poor!

By now everyone knows about President Bush’s historic decision to personally mail out the 2008 U.S. Government Stimulus Checks to help kick the economy of our home country in gear. But did you know that Heidi has decided to give 100% of the proceeds of her check to a charity in her home state of Colorado???? It’s true!! Heidi is not naming the charity because she believes the recipients have every right to keep their privacy and dignity and Heidi knows that even if she isn’t physically there, the photogs will descend like locusts upon anything she is associated with. We CAN say that it is a long-standing charity established in the 19th century whose purpose and aim is to provide succor to those afflicted with deformities and help them to manufacture a new “lease on life.” Heidi’s donation is going to literally save lives!!!

Heidi’s act of kindness and “thousandth point of light” should make us ALL look inside ourselves and take stock of the last time we tried to help someone. Do something today--it doesn’t have to mean giving away most of the money you make like Heidi or even giving some pocket change to a scary, crazy bum, but it can just be the attitude you carry as you walk around the world. Heidi is always smiling, even when she is devastated from people saying and writing pernicious lies about her. I would SUGGEST you follow her example!!!!