Heidi Chosen for Internet Banner Ad Marketing Campaign!!!!

We’ve all seen them and we all love them. You can’t visit AOL, Hotmail or even NFL.com without spying one. They are those adorable banner ads featuring various glamorous people bustin’ out their best dance moves. These ads are indisputably the most popular internet sensation of 2008 and Heidi is the latest celebrity to be asked to contribute to this viral phenomenon. She is going to be using the signature dance routine she immortalized in her seaside music video “Higher.” Yes, a miniaturized and digitized “virtual Heidi” will be “shakin’ her thang” on banners for the LowerMyBills.com website. It’s no surprise Heidi has been asked to contribute--she has already been rated the #1 Most Searched Keyword on the entire World Wide Web for four months running. In fact, her name in combination with other words, most notably “best singer” “biggest reality TV star” “shag-o-licious” and “America’s most beautiful woman” take up five of the top ten spots on Web Search engines the world over. Previous “Queens of the Internet” like Chinese gymnast He Kexin and television coquette Tila Tequila have been pushed aside by the enormity of Heidi’s popularity, but it’s not her fault if people love her!!!! God, stop your whining, bitches!!!!

Heidi “disgusted” by Oompa-Loompas!!!!

Heidi was recently among the A-List crowd at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion for a special 35th Anniversary screening of the cult movie “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” Heidi had heard of this movie, but never seen it before and it turned out to be quite an event for her. Witnesses at the party all agree that at the first sight of the diminutive orange-hued factory slaves colloquially known as “Oompa-Loompas,” Heidi passed out cold and had to be carried from the screening room. Some of the big names in attendance were Benihana heiress Devon Aoki, comedian Louie Anderson, video actor Dick Rambone, Bangles lead singer Susanna Hoffs and FDNY Fire Commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta. Every guest in attendance was shocked and disappointed that the host of this party, the rumored-to-be-senile Hugh Hefner, would wantonly expose Heidi to images of these vile half-men. Heidi was too gracious a guest to speak out loud about this violation of her sensibilities, but her attorneys may not be so reticent!!!!

John Mark Karr begs Heidi to star in his movie!!!!

It has now been confirmed by Heidi’s handler’s that her film industry agents have been contacted by the agents of John Mark Karr, the former schoolteacher who rose to dizzying heights of notoriety in the JonBenet Ramsey missing persons case some years back. Mr. Karr has been quietly living in Fulton County, Georgia as of late and he has been using his time wisely. He has recently completed a screenplay entitled Sorority Row Angel that tells the story of a beautiful and innocent blonde girl’s freshman year of college. And John Mark Karr himself has hand-picked Heidi to play the lead role!!! This project is being pitched as an 80’s style “hi-jinks” type movie complete with panty raids, hidden cameras in the sorority house showers, lesbian initiation rites and a HUGE food fight that takes place at a co-ed beach volleyball tournament. It is going to be filmed on location at a real college--the University of Colorado in Boulder. What is great about this is that Heidi grew up in Colorado so she will have no trouble playing this part. She is an A-list star and this movie will make millions!!! So Heidi of course should be paid MILLIONS to act in it. What part of that don’t you understand?????

Heidi to finally receive prize from William F. Buckley’s will!!!!

Conservatives and Liberals alike were saddened to hear about the final passing of National Review founder William F. Buckley earlier this calendar year. What most people don’t realize is that WFB, as he was affectionately known, and Heidi Montag shared a “pen pal” relationship for over a decade, starting when Heidi was a little girl growing up in Colorado. They were both staunch traditionalists in so many things-- eschewing emails and even text messaging to instead correspond via letter, utilizing old-fashioned paper and pen. They always used stationery from Smythson of Bond Street and ink pens from Mont Blanc. They had so much to talk about that at some points they were trading four and five letters a week!!!! And all through the U.S. Mail, which is STILL the best bargain available if one needs to ship small items like letters or compact disc recordings that have been sold on Ebay or Half.com. Mr. Buckley’s will was recently executed and it turns out he left Heidi a prize—to be hers for the remainder of her natural life. It is none of our business exactly what this item was, but it is great to know that Heidi was remembered in WFB’s last will and testament. Heidi still thinks of him every day!!!!

Heidi finalizing plans to adopt the “Montauk Monster!!”

This is an animal shunned by all, but Heidi’s heart is so enormous she has bid her handlers to make arrangements with the Long Island Animal Welfare Board granting Heidi and her estate sole legal custody of it. Yes, even though it is ugly and even though it is dead, Heidi’s love of animals is so all-encompassing that she is willing to open her HOME to this monstrous beast. Never before has nature spewed forth from its unwiped bowels a creature so sickening, so nauseating, so hideous to the eye and STILL Heidi’s heart and motives are so pure that the world-famous Montauk Monster will no longer be forced to forlornly lie on the beach, rotting in the sun. Heidi’s home is filled with the finest hand-made Amish furniture. A personalized Bugatti Veyron sits gleaming in her garage, which is so big it is not even connected to her house!!! Her draperies are fashioned from the finest gossamer and her wall-to-wall carpeting is as thick as the grass on a country club fairway. She has art on the walls from all the great artists of Europe and even Canada. Not exactly a pigpen, and yet she has unselfishly agreed to welcome this bloated, putrescent THING into her place of residence. Most of the locals have been demanding that the Montauk Monster be weighed down with old truck transmissions and sunk to the deepest part of the ocean with the whale droppings and muck. Heidi says no. Her unselfishness and kindness to pets sets an example for one and all. Are you paying attention, Michael Vick!!!

Heidi volunteers to be decoy for Hope Solo in Beijing!!!!

The Summer Olympics are barreling towards all of us like an out of control 18 wheeler and you know for sure the USA is gonna win!!! We won’t take all the medals, but most of them will be ours. One of our best teams is the US Women’s Soccer Football team. They have been world champions many times over. This is going to be a great Olympics for them, but one of the most unfortunate things about having to travel abroad to compete is the ever-present specter of death threats from disgruntled, and to put it quite bluntly, insane fans. It seems some of the comments #1 U.S. goalkeeper Hope Solo recently made about the Chinese people and their outmoded form of government have raised the ire of a certain number of residents of this COMMUNIST country. As a US citizen, she has the God-Given RIGHT to say whatever she wants. Unfortunately, some foreigners disagree, and even if you manage to inflame the passions of just 1/10 of 1% of a population of a sprawling country whose citizens number well over a billion—well, the figures are astronomical. Beautiful, blonde athlete Hope Solo is in serious trouble over this and the U.S. Olympic committee has entered in agreements with Heidi for Heidi to act as a decoy or “Fake Hope Solo” for the fortnight the games will be held. She will travel with the team, be seen at ceremonial functions with the team and may even spend some time in goal during early round matches to ensure that the real Hope Solo remains under the cover of security and in perfect condition to lead our Stars and Stripes girls to Victory. It is a dangerous undertaking but Heidi is not afraid. She believes in the USA. And so should all of us!!!